Nest Feathers and Twine - Formally Artist's Block Studio

The things that make a house a home and the stuff that holds is all together.

Years ago I started this blog with a mindset and goals that I have found have changed direction over time. I am excited to say that this blog has a new name.....Nest Feathers and Twine. I hope you come by and visit often. Feel free to get comfortable and kick off your shoes and join me on this journey of metamorphosis.

Monday, November 28, 2005

My offering for Holiday Anything ATC monthly exchange at REDLEAD.  Posted by Picasa

My offering for a recent ATC meet up night at REDLEAD.  Posted by Picasa

My offering for a recent ATC meetup night at REDLEAD. The background is copied from real vintage newspaper ads. The 'tape measure' on the side is some great ribbon I got from Michaels. Posted by Picasa

My offering for a recent ATC meetup night at REDLEAD. Posted by Picasa

Oh, I wish I had my camera figured out so I could show you how neat the inside of this is! I made this during a play day at my house a few weeks ago! Posted by Picasa

My offering for ATC meetup night at REDLEAD. Background is cardstock with walnut ink, crinkled, ironed, the leaf was punched, folded for veins, dyed, then run over multi colored ink pad for additional color.  Posted by Picasa

My Halloween ATC. The background was done with Pearl-ex and hairspray. The tree is cardstock that was walnut inked, crinkled, ironed and then cut with Sizzix. The bat was folded so that when the tree was opened it became a 3d pop-up element. Posted by Picasa

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Breath........remember to just breathe.......

what life brings! i write my things I am thankful for item on that list is 2 running vehicles............well, we are down to 1 1/2! The day after I write out the list our blazer s-10 pos starts making this noise, my hubby thinks it is a i park it, and have been driving our other vehicle, and i am so thankful that we have it! the respiratory crud is making my get up and go.......gone. that evening i am thanking GOD for our other vehicle, and for the crud.........because i have the crud means i can not smell......yes i am very thankful for hubby came home from work and had eaten a food combination that is hazardous to the digestive tract, and lethal to anyone within a mile of him with a working nose! just as i am returning to normal child number 2 begins coming down with the crud, and yes he is your typical male.......whiney as can be! i assure him he will survive several times a day, and feel his forehead 952 times an hour and announce like it is the first time.....yes sweety you have a fever..........ugh shoot me now, but i am thankful for this beautiful child. the weekend is your normal rush of events, monday i enjoy the peace and quiet, my hubby is sleeping, the kids off to school, and yes child number 2 is reassured that he will survive the day at school, and that he only has 2 days of school because of the holiday. tuesday a friend comes over, we are to make our christmas brain is not thinking christmas, and even protests the thought of making cards when the turkey still alive and kicking in the farm yard, and isn't even devoured yet. by the end of the day i still do not have an idea for a christmas card, but i came up with a great holiday anything atc for redlead, and maybe for my yahoo group.
wednesday i do some last minute shopping for thanksgiving, children 1 and 3 are feeling the crud coming on, child number 2 is still convinced that he is the only one in the world that is dying from this strain of the crud, i feel his head for time number 16, 542, and again announce like it is the first time that yes, sweety, you still have a slight fever, no i do not think it is lethal. i ran to our local grocery store, the cheap one, and they are out of several things i still need, so we take home our first load of stuff, pick up the hubby, and go out to the really expensive grocery store, and they have what i need, or at least what i remember i need because i left the shopping list at home. geez. we go out to eat, because......oh just because i don't wanna cook, no good reason to justify the expense. while we are eating i remember the one thing i forgot.......a turkey roasting bag. on the way home we stop at the medium priced grocery store. hubby, who is tired from not getting enough sleep and about up to here with family togetherness for the moment says he will wait in the car. child number 3 says he will wait with dad, since all i need is my one thing. child number 1 who is suffering from teen-age-itis, and stuffeth thy self to mucheth at the buffeteth is being crabby and says nothing, child number 2, gathers all of his strength (because he is still convinced he is dying from the crud) and says he will come in with me. at the last minute children 1 and 3 decide to assist me and child 2 in our search for the turkey roasting bags. i always shop at the cheap grocery store, every once in awhile the expensive one, and never the middle priced one, so i don't know my way around the middle priced one. i am not sure what isle to look in, but i am determined i will find it. all i can think about is how much i need to get done before bed so that we can eat fairly early in the afternoon.
child number 2: mom shouldn't we just ask someone where they are
me: no just give me a minute, i will find them
no. 2: let's just ask he poked me
no. 3: did not
no.2: did to,
no. 1: just stop it
no. 2: feel my head now mom
no. 1: i don't feel good
no. 3: mom he poked me
no. 2: did not, and you poked me, feel my head now
no. 1: oh i think i need to go to the bathroom, my stomach hurts
no. 2: my stomach hurts too
no. 3: thats because you guys are big pigs and ate too much
no.1: i am going to the bathroom
no. 2: mommmmmmmmm he said i am a pig, feel my head now
( i am thankful for the kids, i really, really am...............where is a roll of duct tape when you need it, better yet, wish they had mute buttons, but they are good kids, and i am lucky, and i am thankful)
no.2: mom lets just ask someone
me: nope they are right here
no. 3: can we buy this
me: no, don't need it
no. 3: but you didn't look
me: saw it with the eyes in the back of my head, put it down, don't need it.....
just then a women with 4 kids is walking down the isle and all of the sudden stops and looks down and comments on what made her brain files that away somewhere in the back, when it should have been stamped attention to this thing i know i am hitting my head on a shelf and on the floor in the splits, there are no words to describe what that felt like! the first thing i think is oh puhlease let my hearing aid be ok, i hit it on the shelf.........then everything comes into focus, the kids are trying to untangle my body, and some guy walks by, looks concerned.....but not concerned enought to get involved, no time for that...........oh no, gotta go, busy, busy...... jerk! heaven forbid he takes 2 seconds to help, or get someone............and lady where ever you are in the store why did you not let anyone know there was a puddle on the floor so it could have been cleaned up! i have never ever really truly hurt that bad from falling. all i want to do it go home, pee, put my 'round the house comfy sweats on, take my bra off..........oh geez do i hurt, i think i dislocated my left ovary..........don't breath, that hurts the ribs........get out to the car, the kids beat me to it to tell their snoozing daddy what happened......he jumps out of the car and helps me in, and spends the whole ride home apologizing and saying if only he would have gone in with me maybe it would not have happened..........i spend the ride home convincing him maybe if he had come in it would have happened to him......or who knows. i am convinced that all things happen for a reason, so, the kids and hubby put me to bed, my only choice is get checked out at the hospital, or bed.
so, the next day we get up early and make dinner, i told my hubby that it is like a wedding, you spend all of this time planning it, making it, and then in 5 minutes it is body hurts sooooo bad, hubby asked for the eleventyith time if we should go to the hospital. i suck it up and say i'll be fine.
the next day avoiding the crazy peoples out shopping we clean the back part of our basement and pull out ho ho decorations. child number 3 is really sick, running a high fever, as usual, he always gets really really sick when he gets sick. saturday my hubby brings home an ad from the newspaper, male chihuahua, tan and white, 6 weeks old........well that answered the question for me.....we have been considering buying a friend for our female 9 month old chihuahua (cheeeeee-wah-wah as we refer to her, you have to hear it to appreciate it!) our requirements are a male, tan and white, preferably long hair.......well, i had been thinking maybe we will not do when the hubby came home with the add describing our requirements to a T, well, i had to take it as i sign. so yesterday we drove and drove to pick up this puppy. we came home, hubby ran out to buy a christmas present for our daughter, the sale was ending in a couple of hours, then he was gonna pick up some dinner on the way home.........he took a way to the store where there is ALOT of construction, he got a hole in the tire, but did not know it until he was leaving the store. he went back in the store and bought some sort of pump thingy, it was too late to go to the tire place where the warrenty is for road hazzard, so he gimped the car home, stopping to refill up the tire every few miles. so then we are stuck...... i ask him how are you going to get to work for overtime tonight, he says the blazer s-10 pos, i say what if it does not make it, this man full of never ending faith even though he would not admit it says to me it will make it to work and back, then tomorrow we get the tire fixed on the other. he goes to work, the kids and i order amityville horror on pay-per-view, get the bajeezers scared out of us, pass the puppy around, then as always, scary movies need a happy show chaser, so the boys and i watch the 3 stooges.......pass the puppy some more, the daughter stomps off disgusted because she does not see the humor in the stooges and watches her own brain cell destroying show in her room. we all pooped out about 3 in the morning, and the puppy......whose name is melvyn by the way, wakes me up at 7 this morning, and at 7:30 i give up and go pick him up and rock him for an hour while he whimpers and whines, and think back to when i held each of my three beautiful babies years ago in the wee hours of the morning with little sleep and rocked them.....i thought about how quickly it has gone...........i look in on them sleeping so peacefully, so sweetly, ohhhhhhhh so quietly, and know that soon the house will be filled the noise and activity.....the hubby comes home from working overtime, he ran out of gas in the blazer s-10 pos just as he pulled into the worries though as we have gas in our 5 gallon jug for mowing, he will fill up the blazer s-10 pos from that, run the tire down to the shop, get a new one, put it on then take the car down to get 2 new tires for the back and a spare......after a little sleep! all is well, just breathe.......just breathe........

Thursday, November 17, 2005

the respiratory crud........yuck

Yesterday I woke up hopeful that what I was feeling were my the day wore on I realized that even though I wasn't feeling that bad I was going to have to skip attending ATC meet up at REDLEAD. :( I did not have a bad case of allergies, but the respiratory crud, and we all enjoy sharing stuff.....ATC's, supplies, conversation, ideas......but I don't think the crud is on the list of things we like to share on ATC night! By the end of the night I felt like __________! Even though I was feeling crummy, I got a case of the giggles and thought this stuff is really contagious, I must have got this crud from Denise when I visited her blog!

As I sit here thinking about how icky I feel, coughing, sneezing, my head feels like an over inflated balloon, watery eyes, fluid filled ears, a nose like a drippy faucet in need of repair, the weight of an elephant on my chest, and my body feels like I have been hit by a train, a bus, an 18 wheeler, a moped, and a little old man on a bicycle...........I hurt. BUT I can not help but think how lucky I am. AT LEAST this is not next Thursday, on THANKSGIVING, AT LEAST what I have is not terminal, AT LEAST I woke up this morning to my home, my family, the things I love still around me just as I left them before I crawled into bed last night and pulled the covers up around me to ward off that horrid beast, the chills.

Now this has me thinking about all of the things I am THANKFUL for:

  1. my family
  2. being given a second and third chance at life
  3. my home, and everything it holds
  4. the gift of art
  5. friends and art sisters
  6. the warmth of our home
  7. food on our table
  8. few bucks in the bank
  9. a paycheck that has been extra fluffy with lots of overtime pay
  10. 2 running vehicles
  11. blogs
  12. and every other little thing that I take for granted each and every day
  13. all of the things I have not yet thought of , but I still know I am thankful for, and when I do think of them I will feel like a jerk for forgetting to mention!
  14. the strength and courage I asked for and have been given to make some big changes in my life

So, what are you thankful for? If you listed them and thought about them, would they make you see things in a different light when say, your having a not so good day?

So, Becky, Angelica, Sharon and Denise what if I said tag.....your it? What are you thankful for.........

And hey, you there, reading my blog......tag your it, too!

Wednesday, November 16, 2005


I started my second Yahoo group yesterday! I am soooooo excited!!!!! My first group is a small private one, this one to anyone and everyone!

I hope this group takes off and soars like a bird on a breezy spring afternoon, but I also know this thing could sink like a dead man wearing cement boots at the bottom of a river!!!!!!

I created this group because of my new found need, want, and desire to get out there and be a part of life! I spent my whole life up until this last year or so locked in a prison of sorts, the bars of that prison were partially constructed of fear, which is a pretty tought material for holding a person back! With the fear gone the bars can not hold me like they use to!

I have had a million ideas of things I would like to do, and have been looking for a group or groups that also had similiar ideas. I have recently joined a few new groups and it has been wonderful to get to know, and I look forward to getting to know better, some really wonderful people and artists! While these groups all share my interests, and I share theirs, there were still some interests, wants, cravings, needs, desires, that I could not find a group I created my own in the hopes that their were others out there like me.

I would love to do a charm round robin and swap. The charms would be for necklace or bracelet. Each participant would start off by sending either a link braclet or necklace and a journal explaining the theme for the necklace or bracelet and color choices, and at least one charm they have made. As the journal and bracelet/necklace makes it way throught the round robin participants add at least 2 charms and beads ( bead: beed n. anything with a hole in it goes!) and journal what was done. At the end of the round robin you have an artsy piece of jewelry! The charm swap would be like an ATC type swap, where you would make a number of charms, and they would be swapped out, or better yet a ATC/charm swap to make an ATC with the same theme as the charm? The charms can be made of anything, as long as it can safely be worn as a piece of jewelery, and it can withstand being worn (ex. waterproof..... so that you could wash your hands, or not have to worry about getting caught in the rain......etc)

I have also become addicted to ATC's, 4x4's, 5x7's, art journals, altered books.......I belong to several groups that trade and round robin these wonderful pieces of art, and I treasure each and everyone of them! The main requirement for these is that they should be mainly original, very little photo copied work in the piece. If I wanted a book full of photo copied art I could whip out my latest Somerset studio, Expressions....etc and a pair of scissors! This does not mean that I do not love, treasure, and appreciate the pieces I have received in swaps in the past that are copied.......I just want and have the need for real honest to goodness texture!

I am wanting to do this in addition to the other groups I participate in and with, not to replace. I cherish the friendships and artistic relationships I have made greatly so far and hope to continue them for a long time and a day, and I am also hoping to expand this group wonderful people!

I have also wanted to do a colors journal swap, ATC swap, the one for the Somerset book, True Colors............Art doll round robin, the list goes on and on...... I have a million ideas of my own, but I would also like this group to be open to suggestion, because there are alot of talented people out there with a ton of wonderful ideas! An altered, collaged mask swap or round robin...........hmmmmmm.

I would love to see artists of any and all media, fabric, polymer, paper, jewelry and bead making, etc. I think the more diverse the group, the more interesting the artwork tends to be!

I do not plan to start any round robins or swaps until after the new year.......this is way too busy of a time for all of us, because if you are artsy then you are probably up to your armpits in gift making like I am!

So, speaking of being up to my armpits in stuff to make, I am actually going to be drowning and up to my eyebrows if I do not get away from this computer and get working. My studio looks like what Santa's workshop would look like if a tornado ripped through it during the height of toy making season, minus the bruised and battered elves, of course!

Hope to see y'all on the Yahoo group, I have to approve membership, but that is to keep the creepy stalker peoples out!

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

The end of the day..........

My bed is calling for me........what a busy day. It is tradition in our family that the birthday child gets a day off of school. They get to spend the afternoon as an only child, something they love since there are 3 of them. My almost teen son and I spent a bit making his cake together, being silly.......that is such a hard thing for me to do......since I am always such a serwious person! We did the Pam can (cooking spray) can-can and sang shake your booty............he would so totally die if he knew I told anyone! I wish I had a video camera going to video him in his boxer shorts with his body all contorted, his lips all puckered up, shakin' his groove thang! (what a thing to show a future girlfriend......just kidding, I would wait to do something that motherly cruel until he was married, or at least engaged!) I horrified him at the store while he was present shopping singing .......let party, like its your birthday....... (quietly, I am not that cruel) and dancin' a bit. He is my serious one, I love him just the way he is, but I would like to loosen him up just a bit! This morning when he came downstairs to play his video game I sang 'Happy Birthday' to him, he looked at me, asked what time he was born and quickly calculated EXACTLY how much time until he was officially 12, and said I could sing to him then because it was not officially his birthday yet. His seriousness (is that a word?) cracks me up! He does have a sense of humor, a very dry one at times, and he catches you off guard with it!

This was such a fun day, last year on his birthday he and his daddy went out while I was with my family making funeral plans for my dad.

I also started a second Yahoo group today! My first one is a small private one, this one will be open for any and all to join I am really excited about this and am hoping it is a success. I will give info on it tomorrow, right now my fingers and brain are not connected and I have spent more time hitting the backspace key to correct my boo-boos than what I have spent actually typing words and sentences that make sense!

night, night, sleep tizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


SO.......HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TO YOU..........


Sunday, November 13, 2005

Goodbye, again...........

friends just left about 30 minutes ago. i am sooooo tired i can hardly keep my eyes open, it has been a weird day. one friend had some minor surgery the other day and is waiting for biopsy results, another is having a hard time with many things lately, and i want to help but there is only so much i can do.........i only got to see my hubby for maybe an hour today, and we really did not get to spend it feels like the world and i are not in sync with each other here it is about 1:30ish in the am and every time i look at the clock i think about my dad. at this very minute he was living out the last few hours of his life exactly one year ago. after getting a good night sleep my mom and dad were going to go buy the new paint for their living room. they were so excited, they had just bought new leather furniture for their livingroom. for the first time in 11 years they were going to be having turkey day at their house. they were totally changing the way they were going to decorate the house, from passive pastels to wild and bold primary colors, funky art.........

one thing i have learned out of this - is it does not matter what your plans are, how much stuff you have to do when it is your time to go, you go.

for all of you out there that come visit me make sure you:

  • tell everyone you love them, often, just because
  • live your life today like you will have no tomorrow, because you never know
  • do what makes you long as it is moral and legal and you are not hurting anyone.........who cares what other people think, it is your life not theirs
  • don't waste your time being angry and upset over things you can't change or have not control over, or the little things......
  • remember there is always someone out there that has it much worse than you do, so appreciate even the little things you take for granted
  • stop and smell the roses, ahhhh over a sunset, make a wish on a shooting star
  • "be nice to mean people, they need it the most" ( can't remember who said this) you never know what is going on in the persons life........give 'em a break
  • use your good china everyday, wear that expensive stuff that makes you smell good
  • enjoy the simple things
  • i could go on and on and on and on.............i guess what i am trying to say is make the most of your life, live it to the fullest

Friday, November 11, 2005

I was 7 things

7 Things I can not do:

  • say no to a friend
  • go a week without adding to my art supplies
  • crochet anything but a long, long, long chain
  • understand directions, i need lots of pictures, i'm a visual person
  • go much more than an hour without having to pee, i sometimes think my bladder must be the size of a dime, for real!
  • understand all of the words in a sentence even with my hearing aids in if the room is not quiet. i wish people came with closed captioning!
  • share my drink with ANYONE, I hate FLOATIES!!!!!! floaties are very bad and make me really really sick to my stomach..........

7 Things I say most often:

  • love you, bunches and bunches, always and forever
  • be careful
  • ewwww, ouch, that'll leave a mark
  • stop aggravating each other.......................NOW!!!!
  • that's gross ( there are 3 guys in the family, need i say more)
  • are you asleep yet (gotta keep my hubby on his toes)
  • you know what i mean, did that/i make sense

7 Things I find attractive in/about men:

  • Long hair, not real long, medium long
  • sense of humor
  • eyes
  • a soul full of intense passion about whatever his thing is
  • good hearted
  • mustache
  • just enough grey hair to make him distiguished

7 Celeb crushes:

  • celebs really aren't my thing....I would have an instant super crush on any celeb that would take a percentage of his millions per movie/performance and donate it to his home town, state, country to help those that need it most, the homeless, abused, those that have to choose between food or their meds, the list goes on...........
  • jackie chan - he is cute and handsome, funny, smart, i luv to hear him talk.........he has a real passion for what he does....
  • usher - he can move on the dance floor.....nice abs
  • will smith - he just seems like a really nice guy
  • john travolta - nice guy too
  • jimmy smits i always liked..........not sure why, i am seeing a pattern, i think i must be attracted to dark haired men?

7 Things before I die:

  • become totally healthy, again. i know this sounds funny, but i am dead serious........which i guess if i want to be healthy before i die i guess that leaves car accident, unfortunate accident, or murder........yuck, that just creeped me out
  • see my children grow up and have families of their own
  • own my own art business, teach and pass on the gift of art. open that business a couple of times a month for play dates for the abused, ill, self esteem impaired, sensory impaired,.......... to come and make art.
  • get published many, many, many times
  • earn at least enough money from selling my art to pay for my bad habits: buying more stuff than what i need or can use in this life time at art supply stores, antiquing, garage sale-ing, estate sale-ing,........
  • get my hubby to let me organize and clean out his garage.......and have him teach me how to work all of those power tools so i can do stuff all by myself
  • make sure i have let everyone who has touched my life know how much i appreciate, love, like a bunch...............etc......them.

Thank you Angelica and Becky for inviting me to play.........made me smile!

Becky, did I do good? No blonde jokes!

Okay, my circle of friends with blogs is small, and all I know have been tagged, but those of you you come to visit me that I don't know.......tag your it!!!!!!



Thursday, November 10, 2005

More random thoughts from the shower

  • oh jeez, i think i have another cat hair in my eyeball
  • oooooohh i got it out on the second try
  • i am soooo tired of getting cat hairs in my eyeball, i wonder.......can you vacuum a cat..........and live to tell about it
  • ohhhhh more hot water
  • ok, can't vacuum the dear daughter had some nair....eww i think i threw it away the last time i cleaned out the i think it is much nair would it take to nair a cat .......if cat could be naired........hmmmmm
  • my legs were cold all day yesterday....shouldn't shaved......i think all that wooly worm hair was actually keeping my legs warm
  • i got to email bunches of people......don't forget to email today
  • glad i went to art alliance and collage group meetings was wonderful............everyone was sooooo one pointed and did the body snatcher scream thing...........see i told ya it would be ok........can't wait to go again
  • gotta remember to bring goody bags to everyone at next weeks atc meet up at would forget your head if it wasn't attached......actually you would be dead if your head wasn't attached......then you would not have to worry about forgetting stuff........what was it that i was trying to remember
  • i need to repaint my toenails.........but it is cold and i am not going to be wearing sandals in public for awhile so no one will know i have grass green toenail polish peeling.......but i will know...........what color should i do........something really weird.....add weird colored polish to the wally world list
  • ok, can't vacuum or nair the cat, my dad gave me the cat 2 months before he died, he will come back and haunt me........leave the cat with furry eyeballs like a big girl
  • ohhhh, add face scrubby stuff to the list
  • those birdies i got a redlead last night are soooo cute painted up and sparklied up......paint da birdies today.......ohhh gotta cut the branches off the trees today for my studio........and the two dead wittle bittie trees.....
  • where did that goofy baby talk voice come from........oh that stupid cartoon that was on tv this morning
  • ohhh add shampoo to the list
  • why can't we run out of shampoo and conditioner at the same time
  • ok, you need to get out of the shower
  • you know i think i have been to wally world 4 times already this week......i hate that place........but they are cheap
  • you really need to get out of the
  • more hot water.....hmmm what does this setting on the massaging shower head do........ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
  • ohhhhhh add cat food to the list.......
  • have to by some kind of meat so i can have the meat tray so i can do the thing that i saw demo'd at the art alliance meeting yesterday.........
  • be a big girl.....step away from the massaging shower head and get out of the shower nnnnnnnnooooooooowwwwwww
  • i don't wanna
  • ya gotta
  • don't wanna don't wanna don't wanna
  • now now now
  • it's gonna be cold out there
  • boy my inner adult is a pain in the butt........ok i am getting out already

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Random thoughts from the shower......

  • gotta find time somewhere to CREATE.......must create art.......ugh
  • i wish my teen-age daughter wore signs to warn me what her current mood was, boy is it scary when i guess wrong and her head spins and she spews green stuff!
  • remember, my daughter will be human again, like yesterday in the kitchen talking about how gross the pictures were in health class of people with STD's, and giggling and being totaly immature, both of us!
  • the squooshed was-a-bunny on the page ext yesterday, totally flat, except 1 ear standing up flapping in the wind. funny, but gross and sad.
  • what am i going to do for an atc for wednesday night
  • omg! i need to think of an idea for my autumn beauty atc
  • need to come up with an idea for the xmas/holiday cards i am making this year. must be short sweet and simple this year
  • was that the phone ringing, or just my ears
  • i really should shave my legs........oh forget it, the hair will be there tomorrow
  • i really want to go to the collage club meeting, i don't wanna go by myself, but i wanna go, but what if they all turn and stare at me like who are you and what are you doing here, then they all point and make that scream like in the body snatchers movie
  • i am really proud of myself for not eating the halloween candy
  • i need to start walking again, no excuses about no time, just do it!
  • maybe i should shave my legs.........i am starting to look like a wooly worm, oh i don't wanna bend over.......tomorrow, that will be on my to do list for tomorrow
  • where is my to do list anyway.........i need to start keeping it in my planner again.....what good is a planner if you are writing in everything but it
  • should i have sent that email to the person i sent it to saying the things i did....will she think i'm a nut.......oh, stop it, stop worrying
  • i have not made any jewelry for awhile, i feel the need to bead......
  • before i can create i need to clean my studio...........again
  • i really should shave my legs..................tomorrow........
  • boy do men have it easy............we women shampoo, condition, exfoliate, shave,moisturize, exercise, hair, make up, pms, give birth.........they eat, sleep, shave, shower......and do gross things from all body orfices, still couldn't pay me enought to be a guy though
  • this hot shower feels good, but gotta get out, gotta get everybody up and going for school.......remember, put moisturizer on so you are not itchy from taking a hot shower
  • does everybody else do this in the shower........maybe.......or am i a nut with a.d.d. to the 10th power.....
  • how can 1 person think so many things all at once...........
  • oh i luv my new massaging shower head..........
  • did not spend the whole time in the shower beating yourself up over stupid stuff.........way to go.....i am getting better at this stuff........still should have shaved my legs though...............tomorrow

Monday, November 07, 2005

Random thoughts......

This is and has been a bumpy several weeks for us. I normally decorate for holidays 30 days before hand. I decorate big time, and I figure if I am gonna have to put that much work into something I want to enjoy it, on the other hand, the day after the holiday I am quite done with cleaning and gardening around the decorations and am happy to put them away. This year I just didn't seem to be able to find the time to put the Halloween decorations up. When we finally got around to putting up the decorations it hit my why I had been too 'busy' to put them up. Last year we did not take the Halloween decorations down until after Thanksgiving. On November 1st last year, first thing in the morning as I was getting kids off to school, and getting ready to take Halloween stuff down, and put fall stuff up, we got the news that my hubby's mom had passed during the night. Probably a massive heart attack they thought. It was weird, she hardly ever wore her teeth, and never to bed, but that night she did. Kinda like she knew she was going to meet her beloved after all this time they had been apart. She had million things wrong with her, and was taking just as many pills daily, and had Ahlzheimers, and knew it, and would cry when she would realize it. Her husband died when my hubby, now 45, was just 6 years old, she mourned his death just as intensely during her last days of life as she did the day he died. She went home to her husband. No more pain or sadness. She was finally free.

We just start to recover the best you can after this, my hubby had also just 2 weeks prior had to attend the funeral of a long time friend, we were getting ready for a final- aint- ever- gonna- have- another- one- for- the- rest- of- my- life- garage sale. I did not go to bed until 4:30 am, we were going to set up the garage sale first thing and then take down the outside decorations in between moments of chaos during the garage sale. About 6:00 am the phone rings, it is my sister, in tears, she had just hung up the phone from my dad woke her up making a strange noise.......he was trying to silence his scream...he was holding his chest. My mom thought it was a heart attack. I strained to hear the words, I hardly could hear though, someone was crying, and then I realized it was me. For months I had been telling my hubby that my dad was going to die, and soon. His light was fading. I can not see everybody's light.......and yes this is the point where some of you will decide I am a nut, oh anyway some people have a light I can see, an aura of sorts. But I can't see it with my eyes, hard to explain. I kept telling my hubby, for months that my dad's light was fading and that we were not going to have him much longer, but I thought we would have him longer that what we did. My sister and I got to the hospital, my mom a mess, I think deep down in place where she did not have to acknowledge it, she knew my dad was dying, she seemed to already to be mourning. They had to intubate my dad, and sedate him, he was not getting enough oxygen to his brain. His ears were purple, his neck was swollen, he kept trying to tell us something. I knew it was time to say goodbye. They did a ct scan, he had a Triple A, an aneurysm of the aorta, only his was not the balloon kind, it was the tearing kind. It was one of the worst they had ever, the aorta, tore from the base of his heart down into each of this thighs. Every time his heart beat blood was lost from the circulatory system, every time his heart beat he was floating closer to death. The surgeon came in to explain the procedure, a formality really, just to say they did everything they could, even though he would not say it. As soon as they began he bled out. My daddy was gone. I wanted to run through the halls of the hospital screaming bloody murder, I wanted to hit walls, kick doors, break glass and smack the crap out of this group of sisters who were sharing a quiet room with us, who were praising God up one side and down the other because their daddy had survived something he should not have. MY daddy was gone and that just wasn't suppose to happen to us damn it! I began to bargain with God that I would do anything just give him back to us. Looking out of the windows, trying to maintain my composure for mom's sake, why is everyone out there beyond the windows and the walls of this smelly, cold, sterile bad place still living their lives. Why hasn't anyone stopped for crying out loud...... MY DADDY JUST DIED!!!! He was only 59. His honery mother lived in a teeny house smoking 4 packs of cigarettes a day, with no ventilation, so she was also breathing in second hand smoke, always pissed at the world about something, and she lived 20 years longer. Why did he have to go? Why now? We were just talking about Thanksgiving. I have never felt so small, so helpless, and have never felt a pain that was so deep, so bad that it cut through the very core of my body and right through my soul. Every person I had lost up to this point was old old, I knew in my heart they were home, and in a much better place, they were at peace, I was at peace with their death. As I was standing in front of the casket that held the empty shell of a body that my daddy's soul once occupied I find myself questioning my beliefs, my faith in the 'system' I guess. Is there really a Heaven, is there a soul, does it really go on........will I see him again when my time is up. I am trying to prepare myself for all of the small talk the evening has in store, all the kind words, the relatives you only see at weddings and funerals, only this time it is me on the other side, how do you do this 'job', I don't want to, and if anyone says 'he looks good' I'm gonna scream, because he looks dead not good! He looks like an abandoned vehicle on the side of the road, the driver long gone. My dad was always a very superstitious person, he would literally drive a million miles out of his way if a black cat crossed his path, my dad died on the 13th of November. The 13th was a bad number for the superstitious. It was also 2 days before my oldest son's birthday, the child who is totally freaked out about death, funerals. Is he going to think about this for the rest of his life? I did not get to spend his birthday with him, I was talking the formalities of the customs we have when it comes to recognizing a death with my mom, sister, and a funeral director, not celebrating life with my son and the rest of our family.

The next day, my hubby's uncle passed away.

So, we could not even find half of the Halloween decorations from last year, but that is ok, we weren't really in the mood to see them, not this year, maybe next year if we find them.

Today I found myself wondering what my dad was thinking about a year ago today, what he did after work. What he dreamt about. What would he have done differently if he knew. It seems as though he has been gone so long that it is almost like I dreamed his existance, was he ever really here? Why can't I feel him? I miss his big squishy hugs, the way he smelled, the way after we said 'I love you, good bye' he would quietly one more time say 'love you'. When he held your hand he would always sneak in a sqeeze or two, just to remind you he loved ya. He was not all sugar and spice, but there were reasons for that, and as long as you understood why, then you could not help but love him.

Quote for the moment

"Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn."

Harriet Beecher Stowe

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