nearly 2 years ago as i was drinking in words and pictures from the blogs of other artists when i came across an entry on nina bagely's blog. i love her art..... i love her written entries. i am not much of a reader of most blogs, mostly a skimmer. some words caught my eye, she made reference to her notes from the universe and i followed her link to the sight....i joined up myself. what a way to start the day!...soon after that led me to the secret. my life was changed forever and in the most incredible ways there are no words for. i was healed to the very core of my soul. my ways of thinking i had always been told by my parents were wrong, weren't wrong! the majority of the life i have lived i felt as though i was a waste of space, i questioned my very existence. i felt this life was a punishment for some sin committed in another time and place. why else would i have lived through what i had as a child and teen? there surely really was not a God and if there was, what i had done to deserve the things that had happened to me. one day a complete stranger smiled at me in a way that just seemed different, even the stranger seemed different in a way i could not put my finger on, i could not explain how. from that moment on on knew there was a reason for my existence, and someday i would know what it was and fullfill it. i had been introduced to and given my first dose of faith.
even before the secret i realized that life would be so much more enjoyable if i threw out the anger and tried to find more joy, even if it meant turning over every stone on my path. some days it was more difficult than others, somedays what i found under the stone i had turned over was not what i wanted to find, but i kept turning them over. one of the ways many years ago that i learned to keep myself going and afloat was to take every bad situation and find at least one good thing. if we got a flat tire...thank you God that it happened yesterday and not today during the ice storm. our family car bit the dust, but thank you God the vehicle we bought 3 days ago as a second vehicle will take us where we need to go. the 'silver lining' is always there, sometimes you just have to look for it. i also for quite sometime have held a strong belief that things happen for a reason, there are no accidents, somewhere the very events of our life are being orchestrated behind the curtains.....i do not believe we are at the mercy of this force, but connected with it, in tune with it....working with it somehow.
so....this brings me to this afternoon. my youngest was home sick yesterday, and by all rights should have his butt home in bed today. he is coming down with the crud sam and i have had for the last 2 weeks, but he hates missing school, so, since we thought max would be staying home his daddy did not leave him lunch money for today. this morning as i was trying to pry my eyes open and function, i was up way to late last night (early this morning actually), max told me his lunch time and asked if i could bring him money. i ended up running down to the last second and was actually according to my cell phone only a minute late, but the school clocks said otherwise. so, poor max went through the lunchline expecting that i had already deposited money in his account, only to have his lunch taken away from him. it was just at that point i spotted him in the sea of other children and gave him his lunch money.....and not thinking gave him a hug and kiss....so not cool for a 6th grader.....so i watched as he went back through the lunch line and my heart sunk. as soon as i got back in the truck i began texting him what i planned to be a quick message telling him again i was sorry and before i knew it my text became i bit longer as i thought to ask if he was feeling ok and reminding him to call me later as planned earlier. i pressed send and sat there for a minute took a deep breath, started to pull out and decided to change the radio station, then started to pull off again and put my cell phone back in its case, then pulled off...driving slower since i was no longer in a hurry. driving slower to take a bit to breath in the fresh air. i turned up the radio and started back home. as i was approaching a major roadway a song came on that i am familiar with, couldn't tell you who sings it or the name....but the first words.......my life is brilliant......my love is pure..............and as i sang with the song i agreed....yes my life is. yes my love is. i then came to an intersection at the major roadway and came to a stop.....just then i looked over, across the intersection, and there was a Sysco truck. my daddy worked for this company as a truck driver in the beginning and in the warehouse until he passed away in november of 2004. i always take it as a message from my dad when i happen across one of these trucks out on the roads. today my mind has been battling over my thoughts for my mom. it is a complicated situation, one that sent me to a therapist years ago. he gave me an answer.....the same answer my moms therapist gave her about her mom years ago.........an answer that would have given me a clean break from the relationship and a guilt-free conscience for breaking it off. in my mind it was a relief, but my heart aches. i want to be able to be there for her, she just makes it so hard. today in the shower....which is why i ran late getting lunch money to my little guy, i thought again about the situation, and how i need to put things in the past, again, and help her even if i do not get the love and acceptance I craved as a child in return. but this time it does not have to hurt. i don't have to let her reaction hurt.
now....what just amazes me to no end is just how many things had to happen, how precisely every move that i made and that sysco driver made to bring us at the intersection at the exact same time.....God and the Universe truly move things into action and play.
first was finding my son in this sea of children. it was as if everything else was in black and white and only he was in color. i found him right as he was leaving the first line.
second, i believe in all my faith that my thoughts and feelings were acknowledged by the sight of that sysco truck. my dad sending the message he knows, or he understands, just letting me know he knows.
as i made the right hand turn and looked back at the truck in my rear view mirror i said thank you and realized i was crying.
i am so thankful. so blessed. i can not even begin to explain the gratitude for everything in my life. i am who i am because of the events in my life, and i am becoming who i am because i understand and know and have faith.
p.s. as a way to kind of balance out the 'science' of the secret, i also receive daily notes of inspiration from this guy and watch him on tv and the internet.....you know what .......they both say the same thing..........the very same thing....
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