several things have had a profound affect on my life.....there are the obvious, and public things......marriage and children which i mention quite a bit. then there are the private things which i don't talk much about, if at all. like, when i was in my late teens, life was taking me down a path, and i let it, that was not good.....i was a scared, hurt and confused kid who gravitated towards those who accepted my unconditionally, but this does not mean that those people lived what i would call acceptable lives. one day driving down the highway with a group of these people in my car, kinda sick to my stomach that i was where i was in life and feeling like i had no way out, i looked over and saw a family, they seemed to be financially challenged, but there was a mom and dad and three kids, they were happy and loving and a family, they were laughing and having fun, there was so much love you could feel it jump from their car to mine.......that is what i so desperately wanted and from that day on i started a very long process of re-inventing myself so that one day i could have just that, what i wanted so very much.
about 3 1/2 years ago i almost died. i learned a very valuable lesson, too. always trust your instincts, just because people have a college education and 'm.d.' behind their name does not mean they are right, or that they know everything, even if they try to convince you of just that. had i listened to my 2 doctors i would be dead. a year later i nearly died again. i also learned that life is short and it does not matter how many appointments and things- to- do lists you have in your planner life could end at any moment. live life. live life to its fullest. get in touch with your inner dharma. (did you ever see the show dharma and greg?) dharma is who i would have been had i grown up in a family that allowed that type of behavior......
stop and smell the roses. stop and think of all of the things you have to be thankful for and quit thinking so much about the material things you don't have, but want. simple is wonderful.
on the 13th of november my daddy will have been gone for 2 years. he will always be my daddy, no matter how old i get to become. this man who was strong, determined and did not count on or rely on anyone for anything, a man who stood on his own 2 feet through alot of hard times, i watch this man flat on his back hooked to machines, with tubes coming out of him everywhere, i watched him as he lay dying in an e.r. . i will never forget as i stood next to him telling him over and over that i loved him and i was 'petting' for lack of a better way to put it, petting his head....through all of the drugs and trauma, an oxygen starved brain, he still had enough of his wits about him and managed to try to reach up and push my hand away. see, my dad had very thin hair. he would style his hair and then hair spray the begeesus out of it and no one, i repeat NO ONE touched his hair after that! they took daddy to surgery, and as soon as they opened him up, he died. my world was forever changed that day, and every day since. i miss his big hugs, and i miss our long talks on the phone. our relationship was a very rocky road, but we had been becoming so close. while my mom was off at a meeting here or there we would talk for hours on the phone. someday i will see him again.
a couple of years earlier i watched my grandma die in an e.r. . we thought that woman would never die. 30% lung capacity in each lung from emphazema for over 10 years. smoked like the great fire of chicago everyday in a little box of a house with no ventilation...so she also breathed in second hand smoke all day. honery as all get out. if she did not do herself in health wise enough, she would get people so mad at her that i am surprised no one killed her. but she loved me......unconditionally. she loved me for me. and for that i loved her. i use to joke that my grandpa was paying off God and the devil to keep her here on earth, and that God and the devil were playing a game of 'no when she dies you keep, i don't want her......' trust me she was a piece of work. watching her dying, then watching as she passed, it was life changing. i wish i could talk to her again. someday i will.
the next thing that changed my life was reading a passage from T'AO, 22 which was on a journal page from the True Colors book. I read and re-read this over and over and let each word sink in to a place deep within me. i use to read it daily, then weekly, then monthly...as time wore on in my heart i knew each word and meaning of each line. what i wrote about a few days ago, below prompted me to bring this book out again, and post it for those who never noticed it before in their copy of True Colors or those who don't have a copy.
my hope is the words will inspire and move you the way they did me.
the woman of T'ao
holds oneness in her heart
and her world is at peace
does not try to please
and therefore shines,
does not seek attention
and therefore excels,
does not justify herself
and therefore is trusted,
does not imitate others
and is therefore herself,
does not compete
and therefore
no one in the world
can surpass her.
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