SPT - life - stuff - ugh - breathe - breath

3 weeks ago this was this picture i was going to use for Self Portrait Tuesday.....i was so tired after getting my 3rd shift working hubby off to work, 3 kids fed, homeworked, showered, hugged, kissed, and sent to bed several times....i was on my way upstairs to litterally crawl into bed, it was 11:54pm....6 more minutes of tuesday was left and half way up the stairs from telling the birdies goodnight i remembered i forgot all about self portrait tueday....my committment to ME was to make sure i participated in groups like these...and to do so every week and on time. so i turned myself around halfway up the stairs....not a good thing for some one with balance and middle ear problems, and came back down, almost on my face from a case of the dizzies.......i wrote about how i had had enough! i had been having one of those days for about 2 weeks. it started out as a day full of little things.....ramming your toe into the feet of the iron bed, many times when normally that would never be an issue, dropping eggs on the kitchen floor, burning dinner, stabbing my finger with a brand new exacto knife blade, slamming my fingers in the door, a cat hair in my eye 3 days in a row, the 150 pound dog stepping on my foot and about ripping my arm off with her paw for attention while breaking up a brotherly disagreement over something totally stupid and then tripping over the 5 pound che-wah-wah, stepping on something sharp that had snuck its way into my houseshoe, imitation crocs....with little holes all over the place just perfect for sucking stuff in them, bending over to pull said sharp thing out of foot, hitting head on dresser and left breast falling out of brand new 'it lifts, it separates, it perkiates them its itchier than all the mosquito bites and chicken pocks put together cause it's lace ' demi cup bra.....and i almost fall on my face from losing my balance from bending over....get the picture......? earlier in the day 3 light bulbs blew.....when more than one blows in this house on the same day its not good......5 blew 2 days before my dad died.....its a long story but blowing light bulbs around here tend to foretell of gloom and doom around our household......so anyway, i type up my spt and hit the publish button and ****poof***** my spt disappears! well, enough is enough i surrendered, wondered why i was being karma-ized, and apologizing to the heavens above for whatever i have done i walk up the stairs, defeated, to put myself into bed. i can't sleep and watch tv, our 150 pound mastiff is laying in front of the front door guarding her post and just as i start to drift off there is some sort of noise that tells me something is not right, but my hearing aids are tucked in their cozy case for the night, and my ears are straining to figure out what i heard.....just as i get up and go to grab my handy 'kill the burgarlar' thing, no its not a gun, my hubby walks into the bedroom......i remind him he is suppose to call first before coming home unexpectedly....then i wonder why he is home, he has major problems with his stomach from having his stomach stapled 20 years ago before they knew what they were really doing, and he can end up so sick he has to go to the hospital, to my partial relief.......he scrapped a part....he makes airplane parts, when one scraps a part, well they get a 5 day unpaid vacation. money is already so tight that if we stretch the almighty dollar anymore it will snap, explode, and disinigrate into millions of pieces..... and now 5 days no pay. this of course comes on the heels of a totally rediculous offer from workers comp on compensation for what we have now this week found out is not a 'fixed' problem, but a permanent disability....this one is a really long story, so i will save this for a later date. this also came on the heels of finding out as we went to refi our house...something we stumbled on and were not out looking to do, we find out that there was a checking account with my hubby's name on it and a brothers and his mom, who passed away 12 days before my dad........someone wrote a check that bounced boing boing boing boing boing boing all over the freaking place........so with the check and charges it is over 500.00 that we could be responsible for, and it may have had my hubby's name forged on it........ugh...so the bank main branch is researching this mess and we can not continue with the refi until it is all fixed!

a couple of years ago i would have fallen apart and been inches away from having to be sedated from worry around the clock, but proud of myself i got through each day, one day at a time, and when that became too difficult, i took it hour by hour, then sometimes it was minute by minute.......i became very creative in the kitchen when need be, actually he did lots of the cooking! yeehaa! and i played in my studio. my hubby and i took advantage of the time and made the most of it we could. it was nice to roll over in the middle of the night to see him there next to me, ahhhh the snoring bedhog..........the two of us sharing the antique full size bed.......if he ever works first shift again, or when he retires we are getting a bigger bed!

i am a creature of habit though......i like routine, i can live without routine, but i prefer it.........i missed getting the kids off to school, the hubby tucked into bed, eating my oatmeal and drinking my green tea in peace, quiet, and solitude, and my studio time........i was starting to feel like my inner artist was suffering a slow, torturous, painfully suffocating death............my muse had packed her bags, packed a ham sandwich and road map and was on her way........in her place a substitute muse showed up, she is dislexic, a.d.d., cranky, smelly yet prissy little mizz thang not wanting to take part in messy hand staining art.....so art became a scattered here and there thing over the last couple of weeks.........

monday i was looking forward to getting myself back into my routine as much as i could with hubby have dr appointment. just as i was getting ready to take melvyn for a walk the phone rings...it is the school nurse for my daughter, who feels sick to her stomach, no fever but needs to go home....so i stop, get ready and go pick her up. on the way home she is feeling ok enough that we stop by a place i go to find peace, hope, and motivation, then we go home. my little darling starts to perk up to the point that i think hmmmmm maybe we can go back to school.......my daughter then explains that she did not eat dinner the night before, or breakfast, and only had 4 hours of sleep due to homework that should have been done during the weekend, not sunday going on monday! it was one of those walk away so you don't choke her moments.................once she ate suddenly she felt pretty darn good! UGH! so now it is time to wake my hubby who will now be sleep deprived for his doctor appointment..... for tests with a neurologist that bordered on sadistic torture to determine just how severe his disability is, the doc kept asking my hubby if he was ok and needed to lay down because this big old 300+ pound man passed out during the test.....so my hubby ends up tossing his cookies all night and stays home from work.......a combination of nerves, stapled stomach, and the torture he endured earlier in the day, i go to get myself into my routine in the morning....but i end up snuggling with the hubby all day. yesterday was a half day for the kids...so no studio time, today, my middle guy who ate buffalo wings last night stayed home with his stomach on fire.....all 3 of the kids have some sort of intestinal thing that 3 gi docs can not diagnose, but they have all had since birth......no studio time today. tomorrow my hubby and i are going to have lunch at UNO's and shop for the week in peace by ourselves.......our youngest goes on cycle break next week, the older 2 will be on spring break. you combine that with the fact that daily i have my hubby and daughter are sooooo a.d.d. it can drive you to the brink of insanity, we joke daily that my hubby, whose name is bill, frequently visits billville at the worst possible moment.....like when he is driving down the road! and my daughter at least once a week begs to get her learners permit and i say until you can walk through the house and not knock over everything in your path you are not getting behind the wheel of 4,000 pounds of metal and a motor....... my middle one may have a form of highly functioning autism, and he is very speech and language impaired.....add that in with my hearing impairments, and the youngest shares my learning disabilities and has homework most nights that can be frustrating.....

it is a good thing my drug of choice to make all right in the world is ART......

oh, and now that i published this i checked my blog and my flicker photos are not showing up and there is a box with a red x in it because something else is missing........bleeeechhhhhhh!