in just a split second.....

at the end of this post you will understand the title.....

my 'morning' started off stepping in cat puke. 

cold, wet, and squishy.  and puke causes my gag reflex to react so severely it can hurt...

my morning vertigo was in full swing, and normally if it is just that, morning vertigo, within an hour or two it eases up.  good thing i thought...i have got a to-do list a mile long and i will be doing it by myself since my daughter started her new job today. 

i quickly discovered i was in a full blow meniere's vertigo attack, and my vertigo is getting much  more intense.   in addition to the sense of feeling like i am walking in one of those bouncy houses or castles that are at kids birthday parties and feeling like i am spinning, i drop things, can't swallow or choke, can't concentrate and feel like i am not in my body and not in control of my body. 

i give myself 5 minutes.  just 5.  to cry on the rough days.  most days i don't shed a tear.  when i do have one of those days maybe 30 seconds of my 5 minute alotment are used. 

today for the first time in a very, very long time i became very angry.  i have so much to do, and now more than ever i really really need every  minute of every day to get work done for our etsy shop. 

with the hubby in the shower i went into the kitchen, in hopes that if i just pushed hard enough and made myself concentrate and just took it slow i would be able to conquer my long list of stuff to be done.   i soon found myself stuck unable to make it from the fridge to the kitchen table just a few steps away to sit down.  i had to wait for my hubby and hope my legs did not give out. 

once the hubby was out of the shower and found me in the kitchen i let the dam burst and i cried for about 4 1/2 of my 5 minutes....then crawled back in bed and cried again.  i was so angry and frustrated.  this upset me more...normally anger is not what i feel during these attacks. 

i don't get angry because i am thankful i am alive, i am at some point going to be steadier and less spinny...even though i know my future may bring deafness as a result of this disease, or as a result of surgery to cut the nerves that are damaged that cause the vertigo attacks. 

i am thankful i do not have a worse disease. 

i have had people tell me when i have been having a rough day...'well at least you don't live in japan...now they have it bad right now'  or 'well at least you will live through this, some people are dying from their disease'  or 'well at least you don't live in one of those countries where there is war'......ok folks yes, at least i don't have all of those things and yes i am grateful......but some days 'this' gets hard...you try it for a day.  somedays i think i deserve a pity party and a big one at that...because most days i laugh it all off...we make jokes about my unsteadiness and i laugh, really laugh....but sometimes i am just so sick of it all.  unless you live with this disease you just don't get that it is not like the fun you experience when spinning in an office chair. 

ok....this arty girl feels so much better now.  that felt good. 

my spinny days have lots of levels.  on days like today where i was grounded in bed i have days i can still do something.  work on a fiber necklace, or on a smaller loom.  then there are the days where i can't focus my eyes and work my hands and i am left laying in a ball on the bed, and if i can watch tv i have to watch it sideways.  i can't stand noise though, and sometimes i am temporarily deaf in one or both ears...but i need noise to drown out the ringing in my ears, which is a symphony of bangs, booms, hisses, roars....

this is how i spent my afternoon...curled up in a ball, deaf mostly in my right ear, deaf off and on in my left, unable to do anything but lay there...

a few hours later i was doing a bit better, but normally i would have stayed in bed where i belonged but i pushed myself to get some work done while the hubby was outside working on our still broken truck. 

by earlier this evening i was able to get on the computer and begin adding more stuff to the etsy shop, but still spinny to the point that walking was still a hazard, and even just looking up at the tv and down at the computer would cause me to fall over. 

at 9:16 while watching raising hope and adding a necklace to my etsy shop our power went out. 

it has been getting warmer again over the last few days, but we have had way hotter days and never even thankfully had a flicker in the power.  

after 23 years of living here there have been many accidents and our power station or box has been hit causing us to lose power, and within minutes we heard the sirens and new that is what had happened. 

steph and max ventured out to see what and where the accident was and a bit later steph called crying. 

in all the years that these types of accidents have happened just yards from our home, i always wondered if someone had lost their life, and thankfully, up until tonight, no one had. 

a young man on a motorcycle was going very very fast and hit a curb and he and his bike flew in the air and hit a power line and then landed 50 - 100 feet in to someone's yard.  his bike went a bit further. 

when steph and max arrived they were trying to give him cpr, and were unsuccessful. 

by the time i had made my way, he was gone.  alone.  in a grassy patch of side yard under a sheet.  and nameless since they could not find i.d. on him.   but at some point a mom, who is going about her business is going to get a call no mom should ever have to get.  someone's baby is gone.  someone's little boy is laying there all by his self with no one there.  and my heart aches for them. 

in just a split second my anger at my disease left. 

in just a split second a young man taking a joyride lost his life. 

in just a split second a parent's, family's, and friends lives will change with news of this loss of life. 

i am hoping this young man's death will save another persons life....because i am hoping now my youngest son really gets it.  he is a good kid, a wonderful boy, a kind loving spirited boy that thinks i worry too much.  that was angry with me when i grounded him from going back to his buddy's farm for possibly ever once i found out they were riding 4 wheelers at over 70 miles per hour. 

we sat down and talked about it, and seeing that young man's battered body laying just yards from him, and witnessing his death i hope really made it all hit home with my son. 

he says it did.  the look on my son's face while we talked about says it did.  because in a split second it can all change. 

so,  to the young man who lost his life may God hold you His arms and give your family the strength to make it through the seconds, minutes, days, weeks, months and years to come.....without you there with them because of a choice you made that took a split second.