we were heading in this direction.....we knew there was a better direction to get to our dreams and goals, but we just did not know how to get there, how to change direction.
i would pray that someday, and soon, our direction would change and we would soon be on a better path, the path that led to our dreams.
well, be careful for what you wish for because you just might get it.
our path has changed, but not in the order i wanted it to. seems God has his own plan, and they say his plans for us are better than our own.
right now we are in a sort of limbo.....waiting to see what is next.
waiting to see where the path will lead us.
waiting to see what direction we are going.
as soon as i know where our path will be taking us, you will be the first to know.
we have had quite a few changes here.....
max and i had talked several times about shaving his head.
i adore....adored...his beautiful curls and the thought of his hair being shaved off made me a bit sad, but never ever would i want my kids to not follow their heart. never ever would i want to force them to do or be anything less than being true to themselves.....however.....this momma was not prepared for my baby to walk in the door from hanging out with his buddies looking like this.
my daughter asked,' mom what would you have done if he did not shave his head, but colored his hair', meaning blue, green...etc. i told her i probably would have not been as shocked as i was with it all shaved off.
first.....i was trying to focus on an eensy weensy praying mantis on max's middle finger....he was not flipping me the bird....but knowing he would not sit still long enough for me to snap a photo of his newly shaven head i changed my focus on to him instead.
'get out of here....i don't even want to talk to you right now' were the first words that flew out of my mouth. i knew he was planning to do this. probably. but i was not expecting him to walk in.....hairless at that exact moment.
as soon as his buddies heard me they ran out the front door.
do you ever wish you could reel in your words. hit the rewind button and then say it all over, but in a better way... sheesh.
within micro seconds i called my baby boy back in to my room and told him how sorry i was. it was just such a shock to see him....hairless...so unexpectedly. although i am so happy now that his buddies did it...i would have had a hard time doing it myself.
since then we have gotten use to him and his new hairless do. he had long hair for 5 years or more, so it took me a day or two (or several) to adjust. but it is after all just hair, and i think he likes it....alot. and that is, after all, all that matters in the end.
a few female classmates of his had the same reaction as i when they first saw him. a good buddy of his did not even recognize him.
he was thoughtful enough to bring home the hairy remains of his old self. we joked about giving the bag 'o hair a proper burial, but opted to put it in his memory box.
miracles. signs from the beyond. do you believe? i have for as long as i can remember, but i am always amazed when it happens to me. i don't seem to process it as quickly when it happens to me as i would when i hear of it happening to someone else.
father's day this year for some reason seemed to be so much more painful this year than in some years past for some reason.
seeing posts from facebook friends about their daddy's just seemed to really make me miss getting a chance to be with my dad this year.
my dad passed away suddenly in november of 2004. although deep in my heart i knew we did not have much time left with him for some reason that summer, it was still unexpected. i remember during the summer at my sister's home hugging him harder and breathing him in deeper. i remember the hat he was wearing, the bright blue shirt he was wearing that day. i knew some how it might be the last time i saw my dad alive.
it pretty much was the last time. even though we all lived within 30 minutes of each other or less we did not see each other much. i was the odd, weird, black sheep, strange one of the family, an embarrassment. my parents for the most part did not enjoy my company, and they did not like kids, and i had 3 of them.
my dad died from an aortic aneurysm. just like his dad did. i often wondered if he would have lived just a bit longer if he did not have me as his daughter. if all of his anger, aggravation he felt towards me so much of my life caused the aneurysm to burst sooner than what it would have if they would have never raised me, kept me, had me. i was a mistake.
the last couple of months my dad and i had several conversations that lasted an hour or more while my mom was attending a weekly meeting. they were great conversations. we talked about so many things. but just like always, i said or did something wrong and we were not invited over to their house for a casual family gathering shortly before he died.
the thursday before he died i called to ask my mom a question. he was in a bad mood, and very short with me. that was the last time i talked to him.
i left out most of the gorey details of our life as a family, but long story short i did not feel deserving of feeling his presence this father's day. but i told him i missed him when i opened my armoir that holds many things, including this photo of him. i have told him several times i wish i was a better daughter.
sunday, father's day, i had just a few minutes alone in the house. i was telling myself i needed to adjust my big girl panties and get out of my funk.
for some unknown reason instead of meditating, reading, running through the house naked (just kidding) while i had my alone time, i decided to clean up one of my two book marks, or favorites files. it was my quickie favorites file on the computer.
i decided there was no need to check out any of the blogs on this list, i would keep them all. i had not looked at any of the blogs on this file for several months because this favorites file had become an unruly mess.
as i clicked on several saved web sites to determine whether or not to keep them, one particuliar blog kept nagging at me to look at it. several times i resisted, telling myself i could go back and look at this blog and many others on a later date.
several minutes later i could not stand it any longer....i had to look at this one blog.
i clicked here, there, and everywhere on this blog looking it over....and then scrolled down the page quickly....something then caught my eye and i slowly scrolled back up the page.
i saw a piece of assemblage art titled......'daddy's little girl'.
at first i thought it was just a thing that happened. even though i believe in signs from those who have passed, i did not feel i would receive such a gift because i was not deserving of it.
after a minute or so to think about it, i accepted it for what it was. a gift. a wonderful gift.
after all what are the odds that i would decide this one activity out of so many i would normally rather be doing.
what are the odds i would have stumbled upon this very place on this very blog. i have at least 150 blogs bookmarked.
i am sure i would have had better odds at winning the lottery.
my mood lightened and brightened as the message sunk in slowly.
this was not the only gift i would receive...there was another to come.
the beast (vertigo) has been kicking my butt for several weeks and sunday was no exception. we had run to a few stores that afternoon, which is exhausting when the beast is being especially naughty. i was ready to change into my stretchy pants and take it easy, but for some reason i decided to ride along with my daughter to pick up my oldest son from his girlfriends house.
my hubby and i decided a few weeks ago i need to pack my camera no matter where we go. i always find myself saying 'awww, if only i had my camera with me....look at that'
i had forgotten my camera the other day and there was the most beautiful sunset.....and a HEART shaped cloud. i was so mad at myself! i wanted to play show-n-tell with everyone! it is not very often a heart shaped cloud appears in the sky.
well, i had forgotten my camera again and we decided that we would grab my camera when we dropped my hubby off, since the sun was setting. who knows, maybe i could capture a worthy photo or two.
on the way to pick up sam i caught of few pretty photos...
i so love clouds and sun rises and sun sets. sometimes it almost seems as though you are getting a chance to get a glimpse in to heaven.
after we stopped for just a brief second to snap a few photos we headed off to pick up sam.
on the way home the sunset became even more beautiful and so back to the college parking lot we headed so that i could snap a few more pics.
i was in awe at all of the beauty. in front of me was the most beautiful sun set.
while photographing i began giving thanks to God for this beauty, my camera, my eyes to see it all with, i was grateful i had decided to ride along with my daughter.
as you scroll through the pictures notice what shape the sun takes on...all while i was giving thanks.
if you have never read my blog, i collect and photograph all things heart-y. my son always brings me heart shaped rocks from the local creek. we have had chicken patties, biscuits, hamburgers, a potato, all heart shaped.
bear with me here...i snapped alot of photos. this is each and every photo i snapped one after the other while giving thanks.....
notice at times the sun, or it's glare, seems to take on the shape of a heart???? i did not notice this until after i was done taking photos and went back to review them.
only again to go back to a more orb shape.......
remember i was giving thanks during this whole section of shooting photos. there are only a few seconds between each photo...the glare of the sun was changing that much....right BEFORE i shot the photo above i said 'oh yea...thank you dad and God for your message earlier today' (the daddy's little girl message) once i gave thanks for that...poof....the glare became ENORMOUS!
remember i said i was upset because i missed a chance to take a photo of A single (1) heart shaped cloud????
look and see what was on the other side of the sky while the sun was setting...
how many hearts do you see in this photo above?
see the heart above....on the right hand side?
with much love to you all.....nighty night.
