home from the hospital......gee this sounds familiar doesn't it?

these feeties of mine are now firmly planted once again on the terra firma at the farmer family estate

yesterday started out as a typical day here, with the boys off to school  i turned our little space heater on in the bedroom then curled back up under the covers to finish the rest of my 8 hours that had now 3 times been disturbed.  later in the day with housework done and birds fed and their cages changed i announced to my daughter i was off for the shower and then we had alot of work to do to get ready to open our etsy shops by february first.

shower time is usually my time to meditate, relax, and remind myself to breathe.  feeling a little frazzled and overwhelmed i decided to change things up a bit and i turned the radio on full blast. 

once in the shower i danced and shampoo-ed to the music and within minutes realized i was shaking violently and not to the beat.  ugh....i knew what this meant, and quickly checked my pulse to find i was having one of the icky kind of svt attacks. 

10 years ago out of the blue i began having heart palpitations and svt attacks.  we have no idea why or what caused it.  i was told by an e.r. doc this just seems to happen to women your age and we don't know why.     my first thought was ' i bet if  affected multi million dollar athletes at the same rate is does women y'all would know why.'   the doctor was an arrogant jerk who seemed more concerned with the fact that the e.r. nurse had to wake him up to give me this news rather than some petrified housewife that was scared to death she was dying. 

so, through the years i have discovered that i seem to have 2 kinds of svt attacks.  the plain old ones that, well, for lack of a better word at the moment just plain ol' suck!  and the icky ones i hate because they tend to put me down for the rest of the day.  the icky ones make me shake violently, and i have to come to discover that these are the ones caused from adrenaline being released to induce the flight or fight mode.  once i get through this part i feel worn out as though i have run a short marathon.  a bit later i get the worst case of chills.  not flu like chills.  these chills make me spasm and shake and usually i end up sore all over.  it does not matter if it is a hundred degrees i feel like i am freezing in the oddest way.  these chills are so much different from ordinary chills and yet i am not even able to describe them.  once the chills are done then my hear rate returns to normal, the palpitations reduce in number or become non existent, and then i am exhausted as though i had run several marathons.

it took all day before the chills hit, but i was relieved once they did.  later i found that the chills did not bring the relief i normally experienced and i found myself scared.  my blood pressure was shooting up so high my monitor would not register.  bad bad bad.  i had almost passed out in the shower which is not normal even with the icky kind of svt.  i was having sets of mini chills, almost like tremors after a big quake. 

in the back of my mind all i could keep thinking about was, what if.  what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if.

what if something else is wrong with my heart

what if this is some warning of an aortic aneurysm, it runs in the family

what if it is something i can't even imagine

what if that huge bump on my leg caused from running into a post on my daughters bed in july that is just now finally starting to go down has caused me to have another dvt, what if i have another p.e. 

what if these are signs of a heart attack, after all this is the 3rd time in two weeks now this has happened

what if the pains shooting up the side of my neck are a sign of an impending stroke like grandpa had

what if my time here is up

what if this is just my increased dose of thyroid meds

what if this is just stress, just too,too, too much stress.  how embarrassing would that be

what if it is another dvt/pe and you don't make the right call.  last time you made the right call at just the right time. 

what if you don't this time

what if you say this is just stress, it is just stress and its not

what if tomorrow you wake up dead. 

what if God has decided you have not been worthy of Him saving your life 7 years ago and now time is up.

what if

what if

what if

what if

what if

several times throughout the day my hubby called.  he called to say hi and that he loved me, he called to tell me he was staying over for a bit at work.  he called again to say he was still at work....13 hours now.  he called to let me know he was leaving, at 10:30.  he was due off at 3:30.

he said he was coming home, taking a shower, eating a bowl of cereal and going to bed

he said he had to be back at 8:00 the next day.

i had not mentioned what had been going on all day to him

we needed the overtime pay

i was sure i was going to be fine

what if

what if i wasn't

what if i should have gone to the e.r. earlier

what if i just try to make it through until tomorrow afternoon.

what if it is too late

while my hubby was driving home i got up and went to the bathroom and my hands looked almost blue.

that was enough for me

as soon as my hubby got home we headed off to the hospital.

after i was settled in my room the iv line was in and blood taken. 

i was hooked up to monitors

i was scared

my poor sweet hubby was trying hard to sleep in a very uncomfortable chair.

our daughter and i texted back and forth a few times

i thought how i wish i could get up and sit in the chair and give my hubby the bed

a chest xray was taken.  i later found out i have a 100 degree temperature.  i did not feel 'sick' so that came as a surprise

my bad ear that usually causes so many problems was doing fine so that was good news.

after a couple of hours i sent the hubs out to the waiting room to get comfortable and my oldest and youngest came in the room to keep me company.

before my hubby had left i told him for the nth time how sorry i was for this and he told me for the nth time so sweetly to stop saying that

i told him i felt stupid.  all of my stats were looking completely normal.

he said i felt safe here at the hospital.

he was so right.

this man who is about as deep as a puddle caused by an over due quick spring shower spoke from a depth that made so much sense.

i felt safe here. if i was at deaths door this was the best place to be. 

another hour later the doctor came to tell me the labs all looked great, but as a precaution i was sent for a cat scan just to make sure that nasty 'what if'  i had a dvt/pe was just a worry and not a fact.

relief washed over me again, until i realized i had to have the contrast.  that causes my heart rate to go up everytime.  i hate it.

ativan to the rescue.

what wonderful stuff.

i was able to relax during the cat scan and not worry when my heart rate increased from the contrast.

i did express concern that i had quite a full bladder and hoped that warm sensation caused by the contrast, which makes you feel like you have peed yourself, would not actually cause me to pee.

ah, no worries she said.

ativan to the rescue....no worries. oh well if i do.  i will go home in cognito under the sweat pants.

that ativan is good stuff.  did i mention?  they should serve it at parties instead of jello shots 

that recorded male voice was a little bossy i thought and giggled as he ordered me to 'stop breathing now'

as i had done what he demanded i began to feel like a fish out of water and just about the time i could not 'stop breathing now' any longer, old cranky pants in the cat scan machine said i could take a breath again.

i loved talking to the tech who ran the cat scan.  how much fun she was.

back to e.r. room number 5 i was wheeled to await the results.

good stuff that ativan.  i did not worry.  i knew at this point i had to just let go and let God as they say

an hour later the results were in and no p.e.

the e.r. doc, who was the nicest man on the planet, besides the hubs, and the most understanding man

and i talked and the most likely cause of my svt was stress and a 100 degree fever.  for every 1 degree of fever your heart rate goes up about 10 beats a minute he informed me.  my normal body temperature is 97.4.

so that could explain all of the extra ickiness added to the icky kind of svt attack.

i told him how stupid i felt for coming in.

he told me i had every right to come in because of my history and symptoms.

he was genuine

he said it with a smile that made me feel a lot less stupid.

i was sent home with a small prescription for xanax, just in case i feel i need it.  and orders not to take my metformin for my insulin resistance until tuesday.  it does something nasty, something that kind of kills you,  when you take it within so manyh days of having contrast injected into your body.  can't remember what.  ativan.

so here i am so thankful for all that i have

be it easy or hard at the moment

i am thankful

because i am alive and healthy

i am at home and not the hospital

(or 6 feet under)

i am thankful that i still have meaning and purpose here

i am thankful that my second chance is still ongoing

i am thankful that i am sitting here in the kitchen watching the chaos that happens with 2 chihuahuas that are excited to see their kitty friend brought into the kitchen after a bath to be dried off.

i am thankful that as all of this is going on and i am trying to finish this post that my youngest is telling me a story about what happened at school this week.

i am thankful.

now i am off to test drive a half of one of those xanax just to see if they are as wonderful as ativan.

just in case i ever have one of those days like yesterday again and need to take one. 

sleep tight.

it has been a long time

so where did the time go. i can not believe i again let this much time pass between postings. i have always felt my blog was a guilty pleasure instead of a necessity. i want to change my thoughts on this. i am changing my thoughts on this.


just a few quick clips of the last couple of months:february 6th the hubby and i went for check ups...with the exception of his gall bladder he came out with flying colors! whew!

my heart murmur is no longer. my iron level is finally 1 point within the normal range. i have been severely anemic for 6 years. it was so bad that at one point the lab tech called my doctor at 2:30 in the morning at home because he figured i was in the hospital in a coma. she had him run the test 3 more times to make sure. they were amazed i was able to walk in to the office on my own. 6 years out from my dvt, and pulmonary embolism i am off the blood thinners and for the first time in 6 years i no longer have cankles, but i now have girlie ankles again and i am hoping to buy some skirts and dresses to show them off!


february 9 we got a call from the doctor that there was a problem with some of my bloodwork and i needed to come back
in to see the doctor. the next 12 hours were intense to say the least. i have gone from having bouts of hypoglycemia to being insulin resistant. i don't eat enough, no appetite.....i have not had one in ten years, it is a bizarre and possibly permanent side affect from a short period of time i was on paxil. i have been put on metformin (glucaphage) and it has been awful. what that stuff does to your stomach should be considered torture! but it is getting better. i also was finally diagnosed with p.c.o.s. (poly cystic ovary syndrome) something i tried to talk with my ob-gyn about 7ish years ago and he just told me to lose weight.

finally after being symptomatic for 12 + years and having test after test to check for thyroid disease and time after time it came back
negative, finally my blood work matches my symptoms and i have been put on armour for under active thyroid! the doctor says it takes at least 6 weeks to get into your system, and it has been about 7 or 8 and i am not feeling any different yet. she says i will feel better in ways that i did not even know all of this time i felt bad. i know how many ways i have not felt well since the birth of max thirteen years ago. no one would listen to me. they just said i was tired from having 3 little ones. duh.... my thyroid story is a very lengthy one. years of going from doctor to doctor....

i have lost almost all of the hearing in my right ear. soon i will be seeing the audiologist, get my hearing aids adjusted, purchase a fm system to help me hear during noisy situations better, and to get a pillow shaker alarm. i have slept through 3 alarms on many occasions.
the good in all of this is that i can silence the world at bedtime by rolling over and laying my good ear on the pillow. instant silence. the bad is that my ears ring so loud at times it is maddening, and can make my head feel like it is vibrating. one of our alarms has a sound machine. the last few nights i have listened to summer nights. chirping crickets, singing frogs. very relaxing. the rain forrest is a good one too. the ocean and rain just make me have to pee. there are a couple of other sounds but since i can not remember what they are they must not be that good.


february 13, friday, max, our child on overdrive, who leaps tall buildings and all of those things that make a mom a nervous wreck turned 13. not a superstitious person normally....but the hubby and i were holding our breath, hoping we would make it through this day with him in once piece. max is always doing. he is busy, busy, busy. max is now a good 2 - 3 inches, probably 3 inches taller, than i am. this has happened almost overnight. no kidding. i keep thinking he is standing on his tip toes. the other day he came to me to have me get something out of his eye. that is when it hit me how tall he was. either i was going to have to stand on a chair or he was going to have to sit down. i felt as though i was suddenly in a jack and the beanstalk story. we have found that due to past ear infections that max now has a mild hearing impairment. in 3 months he gets checked again and if the results are not any better then we discuss hearing aids.


sam has joined the track team. he started out sprinting, but now is doing shot put and discus. i will have to sneak a photo of him in track team garb.....quite the handsome guy he is, you should see this kid in his dress clothes for choir. handsome does not even describe him. i am amazed to watch all of the changes he is going through. he and i have spent alot of time talking, finally. i love it. he has alot to say and enjoy talking to him. he is a very unique individual and i love it!

steph is busy preparing for graduation. my first baby is almost out of school. it still feels so weird. i don't feel like someone who has 3 teenagers. some days i feel like one myself. she can not wait for it to be over, but is finding it is a little scary to be making some of her own decisions. after all of these years being told what to do and when to do it now it is all up to her. i see alot of myself in her and worry, but i know she will land on her feet no problem. she has got and umph about her i did not at that age, she just needs to realize it herself.

watching these changes in the kids has been so facinating. they are all becoming there own people. all three of them so different, and i love and embrace those differences in them. how lucky am i to be a part of these lives. i am holding on to the present, remembering the past and yet running toward the future anxious to see what lies ahead around the next turn.

bill and i have started dating again. one day after he came home from work and we ran here, there, and everywhere and the kids all had a few minutes with him while we were trying to take a few minutes with each other, making dinner, making sure homework is done....every time i tried to start a conversation with my husband we were interrupted, i realized the chaos had to stop. i wanted time alone with my husband. i was tired of sharing. half the time he would end up falling asleep during a conversation as we were getting ready to go to sleep. what if by the time the kids had grown and left the house we had become total strangers. we love each other deeply, but we were not getting a chance to connect to each other. we did not even realize we were not connecting with each other, we were too busy, until oprah's best life ever week. that is when i told him we needed to date again.

dating is wonderful. at first we talked about the kids, ( yikes, what if we don't have other things to talk about anymore) but by the middle of the first night out we found it was like riding a bike. you just start peddling again. it has been wonderful. we tried at first to set a date night, but found it does not always work out. now if one of us has had one of those days, we just go. we have found a wonderful coffee house. we have never quite 'got' the whole starbucks thing. been there a few times. ordered the stuff we could pronounce. we decided to get brave and try new things at this new place. so dessert and a coffee and wonderful conversation. we have gone on tuesday the last couple of times and it is open mic night. heard some wonderful singers there. a couple blew us away. one guy, maybe in his late 20's early 30's, simon cowell would have torn apart, it was awful, but bill and i stayed for his whole set. no one payed attention to him, some people walked out, we stayed and watched. the waitress asked if we really wanted to stay and listen since she is the one who got us to come to the back room in the first place. i told her that he is someones baby. if it was my son up there i would hope someone would show him compassion. it takes a lot of guts to get up and do that. i do have to say my ears were screaming for mercy by the time we left though.

we now have discovered how much we like talking to each other and doing new things together. and playing a bit of smooshy face in the driveway, ending our date just as we did 20+ years ago aint bad either!

the birds and puppies are good. our cat is now nuts. we have had her for almost 5 years. she was always a snooty thing. typical cat. for the last couple of months she has been a nut. running through the house and making some of the weirdest noises. she loves to play now and has developed a tasted for people food. the other day i noticed one pupil was smaller than the other, and we have caught it a few more times. we have decided she is possessed or has a brain tumor. i am going for possessed at this time.

well, i have typed more than what most would care to read and my butt hurts from sitting here so long. while i have been typing away my kids have all come home from school, another half day.....why don't they just combine some of these half days and make then whole ones? we have talked about their day. talked about mine. now i am off to make my special secret recipe chocolate chip cookies for the hubby to take into work tomorrow, and the cat harfed up a matted mess of a hairball all over the wires to my printer that quit working, so i guess i get to gag and clean up that mess and then try to reinstall the software for the printer. have to cross my fingers and hope it works, don't think the warranty covers death of a printer by means of harfed up hairballs.

i will be back......soon