just one thing

it is my wish that each and every one of you can find 1 thing to be grateful for on this day of Thanksgiving.

my biggest wish is that you have pages and pages and pages of things to be grateful for.

years ago i began a journey. 

mine was a journey of self discovery in the deepest, most sincerest form.

a journey of transformation.

a journey of enlightment.

a journey of love.  not just for all others, but for myself as well.

a journey of acceptance.

a journey of forgiveness.

i am still on the journey, and always will be, no matter where my soul lives.

i learned on this journey that gratitude is so very important.

the days when you are tired, weak, frustrated........gratitude for what is now at this very moment takes all of the discomforts away.  if you are in alot of pain, mix half gratitude with half a vicodin.  seems to work for me.

when you are stuck in traffic because there has been an accident....thank you God that I am not the one involved in the accident  that has caused this back up. 

when you have a messy house to clearn....thank you God i have a home to clean.

when your kids are driving you crazy.....thank you God for my children.

i have had a couple of events  in the last couple of decades that i can truly truly say were bad days. 

we seem to throw those words around to casually.

i am having a bad day because.....

  i broke a nail, i did not have time to stop for my latte, i had to drive an ugly rental car while mine is being repaired, it figures i was the repairmans last appointment,  i wanted to eat at that restaurant not this one....


it drives me crazy, but i have to admit there was a day many many many years ago when a broken nail so totally ruined my day.

now, when i hear others complain over the minor details, i am grateful that i have come so far in my journey and that i can see a bit of my former self in them and have a bit of peace knowing they just have not quite made it the same place yet in their journey. 


having a bad hair day....thank God i have hair.

every day

throughout the day

i give thanks

thank you God for the dishwasher. 

   there were a couple of years i had to wash them by hand, for a family of 5. 

   thank you God i have dishes to wash in the dishwasher because that means we have food to eat.

thank you God for our hot water.

  last year our hot water heater pooped out.  for 3 months we took ice cold showers, unable to afford a new   one, and while dealing with a call center, long story short i started making calls here in America and found there was a recall and we were given a brand new water heater. 

thank you God my kids do not do drugs.

  after being without air conditioning for 2 years, we finally scraped the money together this year to get it fixed.  almost 700.00 to do work on an air conditioner that was only 5 years old.  most of that bill was to refill the  freon.  no leaks.  a drug addict  most likely stole our freon, inhaling it. 

thank you God for our groceries, toilet paper.....

  there have in the not so distant past been some really tough times...no, i mean realllllly tough. 

thank you God for my collection of antique wooden chairs....

   my beloved 90 year old couch bit the dust this spring.  thank God that i have quite a few old chairs that no one else wanted that i fixed up that can fill the void until we can afford a new couch.   we look like we are holding 12 step program meetings in our living room, but  there is a place to sit if need be.

the gratitude does not have to be for just the big schtuff.   for the out of the ordinary stuff.

i am hearing impaired, the weather permitted us having the windows wide open earlier this week and i woke up being serenaded by song birds.  thank you God that i still have enough hearing to hear the birds.

there are still a few roses blooming.  i can see them, feel the soft petals and the ouchy thorns.

the unbelievably beautiful sunsets night after night that i can see, and photograph.

i am breathing.

i can read this.

i can taste the meal i am eating.

i can smell the rose blooming, and when wanting to curse the cat for stinking up the house after using the litterbox....thank you God i can smell.

i am exhausted from doing all of this cooking and cleaning for Thanksgiving......thank you God that i am healthy enough to cook and clean.

i don't know why i stopped to do this blog post.  i am tired.  my vertigo flared up from all of the movement cooking and preparing a tasty Thanksgiving meal for our small, but mighty, family of 5.  Thank you God for each and every one of us in this family, that even with the vertigo i kept on cooking and preparing.

i was so heading off to bed to get some sleep, thinking about doing a blog post friday.  i still have so many photos to show and stories to tell....something made me stop.  something made me want to wish you all the most wonderful  and happiest of Thanksgivings, and to wish for all of you that you have at least one thing you are grateful for, but most of all that you have pages and pages and pages of things to be grateful for. 

maybe there is a wonderful reason i was so inspired on my way to bed to write this post. 

whatever that reason, i am so grateful.


i cross my fingers  um, i mean my heart....told you i was tired..... i will try to do some  show and tell friday, i am looking so forward to sharing some wonderful photos with you, and i thank God that the virus my computer got last month did not eat up any of my photos.


with much love to you,

mwah.

learning my way around the light box and a happy accident

the light box

finally we assembled our much desired light box and i have spent several days trying to figure out just how much light to use, where to put the lights, playing with settings on my camera. 

i have moved the kitchen table to position the light box just so under the ceiling fixture in the kitchen.

with fingers crossed as i knock on wood the plan is to photograph all next week.

not sure if these photos will be used for the etsy shop, or if new ones will be taken. 

i have read countless tutorials online to make a light box.  everyone seems to have their own unique way to light and construct a light box.

i thought once i had a light box photography would be as easy as blinking.

bertie bert has felt the need to claim the box as his space.

he has been insistant on being a part of as many photos as he can

i have explained to him if he keeps this up i will list him for sale as well on etsy.

in response he offered up several additional new poses.

yesterday while steph was out cruising the net she came across a photo of a t-shirt in which the holes gave a lacey appearance

excited and curious steph and i grabbed some old t's and began cutting and puncturing the shirts.

after using several different devices and tools

i found the one's that tattered this t to my liking.

this is my test t.

while ripping this piece and that piece from the shirt

i hated to throw out the scraps that lay on the floor

the scraps called to me to find a use for them other than taking up space in a landfill.

as i sat down to watch a bit of mindless, yet tickle-my-funny-bone tv

i began to play with the pieces.

and here is what i ended up with

a happy accident

i say it looks almost like sea weed or coral

steph says icicles

we both agree it looks oh-so-neato

out of scraps an adornment was born

so here i sit

amazed again

at how out of nothing

out of scraps

trash

something unique is born

and all i can say

with the most sincerest gratitude

from the core of my soul

THANK YOU GOD

because i have to believe

that is where

all

inspiration

must

be

sent

from

sweet dreams

home from the hospital......gee this sounds familiar doesn't it?

these feeties of mine are now firmly planted once again on the terra firma at the farmer family estate

yesterday started out as a typical day here, with the boys off to school  i turned our little space heater on in the bedroom then curled back up under the covers to finish the rest of my 8 hours that had now 3 times been disturbed.  later in the day with housework done and birds fed and their cages changed i announced to my daughter i was off for the shower and then we had alot of work to do to get ready to open our etsy shops by february first.

shower time is usually my time to meditate, relax, and remind myself to breathe.  feeling a little frazzled and overwhelmed i decided to change things up a bit and i turned the radio on full blast. 

once in the shower i danced and shampoo-ed to the music and within minutes realized i was shaking violently and not to the beat.  ugh....i knew what this meant, and quickly checked my pulse to find i was having one of the icky kind of svt attacks. 

10 years ago out of the blue i began having heart palpitations and svt attacks.  we have no idea why or what caused it.  i was told by an e.r. doc this just seems to happen to women your age and we don't know why.     my first thought was ' i bet if  affected multi million dollar athletes at the same rate is does women y'all would know why.'   the doctor was an arrogant jerk who seemed more concerned with the fact that the e.r. nurse had to wake him up to give me this news rather than some petrified housewife that was scared to death she was dying. 

so, through the years i have discovered that i seem to have 2 kinds of svt attacks.  the plain old ones that, well, for lack of a better word at the moment just plain ol' suck!  and the icky ones i hate because they tend to put me down for the rest of the day.  the icky ones make me shake violently, and i have to come to discover that these are the ones caused from adrenaline being released to induce the flight or fight mode.  once i get through this part i feel worn out as though i have run a short marathon.  a bit later i get the worst case of chills.  not flu like chills.  these chills make me spasm and shake and usually i end up sore all over.  it does not matter if it is a hundred degrees i feel like i am freezing in the oddest way.  these chills are so much different from ordinary chills and yet i am not even able to describe them.  once the chills are done then my hear rate returns to normal, the palpitations reduce in number or become non existent, and then i am exhausted as though i had run several marathons.

it took all day before the chills hit, but i was relieved once they did.  later i found that the chills did not bring the relief i normally experienced and i found myself scared.  my blood pressure was shooting up so high my monitor would not register.  bad bad bad.  i had almost passed out in the shower which is not normal even with the icky kind of svt.  i was having sets of mini chills, almost like tremors after a big quake. 

in the back of my mind all i could keep thinking about was, what if.  what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if.

what if something else is wrong with my heart

what if this is some warning of an aortic aneurysm, it runs in the family

what if it is something i can't even imagine

what if that huge bump on my leg caused from running into a post on my daughters bed in july that is just now finally starting to go down has caused me to have another dvt, what if i have another p.e. 

what if these are signs of a heart attack, after all this is the 3rd time in two weeks now this has happened

what if the pains shooting up the side of my neck are a sign of an impending stroke like grandpa had

what if my time here is up

what if this is just my increased dose of thyroid meds

what if this is just stress, just too,too, too much stress.  how embarrassing would that be

what if it is another dvt/pe and you don't make the right call.  last time you made the right call at just the right time. 

what if you don't this time

what if you say this is just stress, it is just stress and its not

what if tomorrow you wake up dead. 

what if God has decided you have not been worthy of Him saving your life 7 years ago and now time is up.

what if

what if

what if

what if

what if

several times throughout the day my hubby called.  he called to say hi and that he loved me, he called to tell me he was staying over for a bit at work.  he called again to say he was still at work....13 hours now.  he called to let me know he was leaving, at 10:30.  he was due off at 3:30.

he said he was coming home, taking a shower, eating a bowl of cereal and going to bed

he said he had to be back at 8:00 the next day.

i had not mentioned what had been going on all day to him

we needed the overtime pay

i was sure i was going to be fine

what if

what if i wasn't

what if i should have gone to the e.r. earlier

what if i just try to make it through until tomorrow afternoon.

what if it is too late

while my hubby was driving home i got up and went to the bathroom and my hands looked almost blue.

that was enough for me

as soon as my hubby got home we headed off to the hospital.

after i was settled in my room the iv line was in and blood taken. 

i was hooked up to monitors

i was scared

my poor sweet hubby was trying hard to sleep in a very uncomfortable chair.

our daughter and i texted back and forth a few times

i thought how i wish i could get up and sit in the chair and give my hubby the bed

a chest xray was taken.  i later found out i have a 100 degree temperature.  i did not feel 'sick' so that came as a surprise

my bad ear that usually causes so many problems was doing fine so that was good news.

after a couple of hours i sent the hubs out to the waiting room to get comfortable and my oldest and youngest came in the room to keep me company.

before my hubby had left i told him for the nth time how sorry i was for this and he told me for the nth time so sweetly to stop saying that

i told him i felt stupid.  all of my stats were looking completely normal.

he said i felt safe here at the hospital.

he was so right.

this man who is about as deep as a puddle caused by an over due quick spring shower spoke from a depth that made so much sense.

i felt safe here. if i was at deaths door this was the best place to be. 

another hour later the doctor came to tell me the labs all looked great, but as a precaution i was sent for a cat scan just to make sure that nasty 'what if'  i had a dvt/pe was just a worry and not a fact.

relief washed over me again, until i realized i had to have the contrast.  that causes my heart rate to go up everytime.  i hate it.

ativan to the rescue.

what wonderful stuff.

i was able to relax during the cat scan and not worry when my heart rate increased from the contrast.

i did express concern that i had quite a full bladder and hoped that warm sensation caused by the contrast, which makes you feel like you have peed yourself, would not actually cause me to pee.

ah, no worries she said.

ativan to the rescue....no worries. oh well if i do.  i will go home in cognito under the sweat pants.

that ativan is good stuff.  did i mention?  they should serve it at parties instead of jello shots 

that recorded male voice was a little bossy i thought and giggled as he ordered me to 'stop breathing now'

as i had done what he demanded i began to feel like a fish out of water and just about the time i could not 'stop breathing now' any longer, old cranky pants in the cat scan machine said i could take a breath again.

i loved talking to the tech who ran the cat scan.  how much fun she was.

back to e.r. room number 5 i was wheeled to await the results.

good stuff that ativan.  i did not worry.  i knew at this point i had to just let go and let God as they say

an hour later the results were in and no p.e.

the e.r. doc, who was the nicest man on the planet, besides the hubs, and the most understanding man

and i talked and the most likely cause of my svt was stress and a 100 degree fever.  for every 1 degree of fever your heart rate goes up about 10 beats a minute he informed me.  my normal body temperature is 97.4.

so that could explain all of the extra ickiness added to the icky kind of svt attack.

i told him how stupid i felt for coming in.

he told me i had every right to come in because of my history and symptoms.

he was genuine

he said it with a smile that made me feel a lot less stupid.

i was sent home with a small prescription for xanax, just in case i feel i need it.  and orders not to take my metformin for my insulin resistance until tuesday.  it does something nasty, something that kind of kills you,  when you take it within so manyh days of having contrast injected into your body.  can't remember what.  ativan.

so here i am so thankful for all that i have

be it easy or hard at the moment

i am thankful

because i am alive and healthy

i am at home and not the hospital

(or 6 feet under)

i am thankful that i still have meaning and purpose here

i am thankful that my second chance is still ongoing

i am thankful that i am sitting here in the kitchen watching the chaos that happens with 2 chihuahuas that are excited to see their kitty friend brought into the kitchen after a bath to be dried off.

i am thankful that as all of this is going on and i am trying to finish this post that my youngest is telling me a story about what happened at school this week.

i am thankful.

now i am off to test drive a half of one of those xanax just to see if they are as wonderful as ativan.

just in case i ever have one of those days like yesterday again and need to take one. 

sleep tight.

just breathe......

that is what i keep telling myself....just breathe.....it will all get done.
i would love to be sitting in the middle of this field right now, a million miles away from everything
the warm sun shining down on me
in the middle of a field of sweet smelling flowers
looking at the dark sky in the background i can almost smell a spring thunderstorm brewing in the distance
but i am in my kitchen typing to the rythm of the dishwasher.
as much as i would love to be in this field of flowers, here, home, is the next best place.
bill and the kids safely and snuggly tucked into bed sleeping
the puppies in their crates sleeping
the cat snuggling with max tonight, hogging the pillow and blanket believe it or not
the big birdies downstairs making noise because mommy walked by them and did not say goodnight, so they protest just as a 3 year old would, they are whining.
the little birdies upstairs are snuggled together for warmth and quiet with the exception of one of our little mini doves that tries to woo his mate 24/7 .
'what a girl wants....what a girl needs' being sung by christina a on the radio....how funny that is the song playing
the kitchen floor needs to be swept
the livingroom, which is housing most of our bedroom, is still looking like ....ugh...there is not a word to describe
but this is home
and it is filled with the things i love most in this world
so i am just where i am suppose to be



just where i want most to be
home sweet home.
looking at a picture of oh-so-sweet flowers.
on my new laptop.
on my new old kitchen table i just recently painted.
with my fuzzy and oh so warm slippers on.



bill and steph surprised me tonight and took the few remaining fall decorations downstairs, scratch that chore off the list. yahoo...the list is getting smaller.
most of the baseboards are painted in our room, had to put the paint and brush, sponge brush that is, down so that bill and i could call the help line number again this evening since the laptop said it was not connected to the internet this morning. after discovering the internet was not working i did lose a few games of solitaire before starting up the day. real productive. my to do list was screaming for my attention from the kitchen as i sat tucked in the nice-oh-so-warm-cozy-bed losing those few games of solitaire. found 8 stamps to put on the envelopes for the christimas/holiday cards. off to the post office friday to buy some more and mail them off. then i can scratch that off the list....the doors in the bedroom are painted, just need a few spots touched up....i can scratch that off the list. not sure if i like the color, but bill loves it and so does steph, the boys....they could care less. they were driving each other nuts while we were conferencing on the subject. someday those two......they are night and day. i hope they grow out of this...
while we were waiting for the service rep for the router company to help us i began putting some things away in my studio, cleaning up to prepare for the next piece i am going to make, i grabbed a pile of strung green glass leaf beads to put away and (*&*^*& WHAM *^&^*(* i was given inspiration for a new neckpiece! eeeee! i love it when that happens. and very thankful. off to my drawers of sorted-by-color bead collections and i found some wonderful cranberry fresh water pearls. it is weird how i can remember almost every bead i own, and the number of beads i own is a number so large most of us could not pronounce it, but somehow i do remember each of them.
just like they were created from me
weird
guess it is a bead thing
i started wire wrapping while we were on the phone with the router service guy.
a hollyberry wreath of sorts. wearable.
i can not wait to see how it all looks put together.
so here i sit jabbering, i guess talking to myself in-a-way
the rest of the world asleep
part of me is loving the silence
the peace
the quiet
the stillness of it all
part of me hating the hush of it all
wishing i had another human to talk to at the moment
so, off to bed with me
i am too tired to focus the old eyeballs to wire wrap any more beads tonight, got alot done though.
i am too wide awake to go to sleep.
did not get enough sleep last night.
think i will tuck myself in and put on an episode of big bang theory.
love that show
what better way to fall asleep than with a big smile on your face


thanks for the company.
maybe now that i have a portable means of computering this blog thing might happen more often.

night night.

where did the time go today?

i can not believe how fast the day has gone today!
where did the time go?
i have about an hour before steph is home from school
and peace and quiet will no longer be for me.....
i still had not had even a cup of tea today, or written in my
gratitude journal, or snuck a treat in.
once my daughter comes home, we have about an hour before the boys burst through the door, and then about another hour later before my hubby is home and it
is noisy and at times chaotic until about 11:00pm, if i am so lucky.
so, i dropped what i was in the middle of, went to our little
snack cabinet, grabbed a tea bag, and a rare treat,
my sweet and thoughtful hubby brought these
home for me last night, shhhh...don't tell the kids where i hid them!
grabbed my gratitude journal and sat at the kitchen table and appreciated the heck
out of my last few minutes of peace and quiet!